On My Mother’s Heavenly Birthday: The Science Of Grief, Gratitude, And Becoming Who She Raised Me to Be

I walked out of my apartment in March 2014 with heaviness and dread. I had not matched into residency. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t feel worthy of applause at the long white coat ceremony. Medical school had been brutal at times. I struggled to pass tests. I struggled to stay hopeful. I struggled to find advocates.

A resident once told me I was “intellectually disabled.” When they added negative comments to my ERAS application—those comments stayed. It didn’t feel like a white coat moment for me.

But my mom had bought her ticket to DC.

So I walked gloomily to a nearby store to buy a token for her. Standing in line, I felt little in the way of valid or intelligent. I honestly didn’t understand why she wanted to be there.

When my name was called, I walked on stage and handed her a bouquet of roses. And we cried together, briefly but powerfully. Her smile put life back into my heart. In that moment, she showed me that ceremony was about more than matching into residency. It was about honoring the journey, not just the outcome.

Today, August 21st, is her heavenly birthday. And like many who grieve, I feel the weight of what researchers call an “anniversary reaction”—the surge of sadness, longing, and reflection that arrives on birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. These moments remind us that grief doesn’t have a timetable (O’Connor, 2023).

Continuing Bonds, Not “Letting Go”

Modern psychiatry has moved away from telling people to “move on.” Studies show that continuing bonds—keeping a connection with loved ones—can be protective (Field, 2021). Speaking to a loved one privately, keeping a cherished object, or writing a letter can support resilience.

Gratitude in the Midst of Pain

On the hardest days, gratitude can feel impossible. But even brief practices—naming three things you appreciated about the person you lost—are linked to improved mood and reduced anxiety (Jans-Beken, 2020). Gratitude doesn’t erase pain, but it can soften its edges.

Self-Compassion Over Self-Criticism

Trainees and young professionals often respond to setbacks with self-criticism. Yet evidence shows that self-compassion interventions reduce burnout, depression, and anxiety in physicians-in-training (Dev et al., 2021). Looking back, I see that learning to give myself grace was just as important as passing any exam.

Growth Alongside Grief

Research on post-traumatic growth shows that profound losses can deepen our sense of purpose, relationships, and spirituality (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2022). My own journey—from white coat struggles to becoming a board-certified psychiatrist—embodies that truth.

A Ritual for Today

If you’re facing an anniversary of loss, try one gentle ritual today:

• Write a short letter to the person you miss.

• Share one story about them with someone you love.

• Create a gratitude list of three things they gave you.

Grief changes form, but it doesn’t disappear. And today, on my mother’s birthday, I honor her not just with flowers—but by living the life she always believed I could.

References:

O’Connor, M. (2023). Anniversary reactions in grief: A systematic review. Journal of Affective Disorders. Field, N. P. (2021).

Continuing bonds in bereavement: Evidence and clinical applications. Death Studies. Jans-Beken, L. (2020).

Gratitude and mental health: A systematic review. Journal of Positive Psychology. Dev, V. et al. (2021).

Self-compassion and medical trainee well-being. Academic Psychiatry. Tedeschi, R. G. & Calhoun, L. (2022).

Post-traumatic growth: Theory, research, and applications. Psychological Inquiry.